How to Really Listen

How to Really Listen

by Peter Bregman

"One morning, my wife Eleanor woke up, turned over, and said, "I am not looking forward to this day." I asked her why.

What came out is that we were at the start of the Jewish high holy day season, which means colder weather and three weeks of big social meals, long religious services, broken routines, and children out of school. Eleanor didn't grow up with these traditions, and they can be overwhelming.

Now, I run a management consulting company; problem solving is what I do. So it didn't take me long to jump in.

"Cold weather means ski season is about to start," I said. "You love skiing. And these holiday meals are fun and filled with people you love — they'll make you feel better. And I'll be with you; you won't be alone with the kids. Also, you know, Jesus was Jewish, so it's kind of your tradition too."

Even as I said it, I knew that last one was a reach. It became clear that I was making her feel worse and now she wasn't just sad, she was angry.

And when she got angry, I felt myself get angry too. And self-righteous. Here I am trying to help her and this is what I get?

But then I smartened up. Instead of giving in to my anger, which would have really blown things up, I shut up and listened. When I did, I began to hear the real stuff, the things that neither of us was actually saying.

What I discovered was that she was upset because the focus on mothers during the Jewish holidays taps into her insecurities about motherhood, not being a Jewish mom, and not having time to spend on her own work.

I also discovered that my own babbling wasn't so much to help her feel better as to help me feel better. I'm the reason she's in New York City, living through cold winters, and part of a Jewish family.

In other words, by trying to make her feel better, I was doing the opposite of making her feel better. I was arguing with her. In fact, most of the time when we try to make people feel better, we end up arguing with them because we're contradicting what they're feeling. Which, inevitably, makes them feel worse.

Listening, it turns out, is magic. Not only did it help me understand what was going on with both of us, but it helped Eleanor feel better, too. It made her feel that she wasn't alone in her feelings; I was with her.

All I had to do was listen.

But listening isn't easy. The more we listen to others, the more likely we will react — or overreact — to what they say. Listening, it turns out, is much harder than speaking. We have to allow things we might disagree with to hang in the air. We have to move over a little and create space for those things to linger.

That kind of listening takes tremendous courage.

But if we're interested in learning — about ourselves as well as others — then it's worth it. And if we're interested in being connected to others, showing them respect, helping them feel better, and solving problems between us, than it's more than worth it. It's essential.

Until people feel heard, they will fight to be heard. But once they are heard, there is little left to fight for, and then we can move on, not as "us vs. them" but simply as "us."

So how do you listen in a way that transforms conversations and relationships?

1. Actually listen. And only listen. That means don't multitask. I'm not just talking about doing email, surfing the web, or creating a grocery list. Thinking about what you're going to say next counts as multitasking. Simply focus on what the other person is saying.
2. Repeat back. This feels a little silly at first but works magic. If someone says she is angry about the decision you just made, you can say "you're angry about the decision I just made." I know, I know, she just said that. But it shows you're listening and it communicates to the other person that she's been heard. If you don't have the courage to try it with an adult, try it with a child. You'll see what a difference it makes and it will embolden you to try it with a colleague or your spouse.
3. Ask questions. Explore the other person's thoughts and feelings more deeply. And "You don't really believe that, do you?" does not count as a question. You are not using the Socratic method to prove your point; you are trying to better understand what's going on so you can better understand your partner in this conversation.

Really listening can feel risky, which seems strange because listening doesn't materially change anything. But sometimes you'll hear things that are hard to hear.

Remember that listening is not the same thing as agreeing. And it will never force you to take any particular action. If anything, it will reduce the intensity of people's insistence that you take a specific action. Because in many cases what they're looking for is proof that you've heard them. So if they feel you've really heard them, their need for action diminishes.

As Eleanor spoke, I noticed my own resistance to various things she was saying. There's no question that it's hard to really listen. But once I relaxed into it, I heard her in a much deeper way. That made her feel better. Call me co-dependent, but it made me feel better too.

It turns out that sometimes, just listening is problem-solving."

Why Men Marry: Revealed

Why (and who) do men choose to marry? How do men define happily ever after? Are men really commitment-phobic and sex-obsessed?

In a book entitled VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment (Simon & Shuster, 2007) author Neil Chethik examines the findings from a national survey of married men, including in-depth interviews with 70 men and a survey of another 288. And some of his findings just might surprise you.

Why Do Men Marry?

Contrary to what some of my girlfriends have said, men do not marry for free laundry service. According toVoiceMale, “Men propose marriage primarily because they want the physical, emotional and intellectual companionship of a woman. Men like company.”

Are men commitment-phobic? Not with the right woman. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nine out of 10 men will marry in their lifetime. And according to the VoiceMale survey, “Men do the proposing 85 per cent of the time. At least formally, it is overwhelmingly men who initiate the marriage commitment.”

Can you drag a man to the altar? Not likely. According to Chethik, “Men entertain the idea of marriage only when they’re ready.” And these days, men judge readiness as a “flagging interest in the singles scene.” One man quoted in VoiceMale stated, “One morning I woke up next to a woman who could have been a Playboy model, and I didn’t want her.”

Where Do They Meet the Women They’re Going to Marry?

# 24% of husbands met their wives in school
# 18% met their wives at a social event, such as a party or wedding
# 18% were introduced to their wives by friends
# 23% of men married in the last three years met their wives at work
# 6% met their wives at a bar (Who says you never meet someone nice at a bar!)
# 4% met their wives at church, synagogue or another religious setting
# 1% met online. “Because of the newness of online dating, no studies have yet been completed on whether marriages that begin online are more or less successful in the long term than those that start in more traditional ways.”

What Do Men Look for in a Future Wife?

Surprisingly, beauty was not the most important criteria for a man in choosing a wife. Sure, beauty attracts, and attraction is crucial, but the most important factors men look for in a woman are a positive outlook and self-confidence. Also high on the list were brains (hallelujah!), self-respect, motherliness and for some, devoutness to faith.

What’s more, according to Chethik’s survey, “A man who knows within a month of meeting a woman that he wants to marry her is likely to be happier in the marriage than a man who takes longer to decide.”

Do Married Men Get Enough Sex?

The stereotypes are true. Most married men don’t get as much sex as they’d like. (Although in fairness, many single men don’t get as much sex as they’d like either.)

However, the solution for all the sex-starved husbands might be as close as the broom closet. According to the VoiceMale survey, “The more satisfied a wife is with the division of household duties, the more satisfied a man is with his marital sex life.” That’s right guys, there’s nothing sexier than a man who knows how to use a toilet brush.

In the honeymoon phase (the first three years) men are generally happy with their sex lives (54 per cent get it at least three times a week, and eight per cent get it every day!). But the childrearing years (years four-20) are the toughest for men sexually.

The number of men having sex three times per week drops to 24 per cent. The next stage of marriage (years 21-35) brings with it an increase in sex, 29 per cent of men report their wives have an equal sex drive. And finally, in the last stage of marriage (35 years or more) the frequency of sex drops considerably, but 88 per cent of men are satisfied with their sex lives during this phase of marriage.

As far as happily ever after is concerned, you might be interested to know that 93 per cent of the men surveyed by Chethik said if given the chance, they’d marry the same woman all over again. Now who’s afraid of commitment?

~By Lisa Daily

Blogging out of Balance

SEVERAL INDEPENDENT ASSESSMENTS HAVE REACHED IDENTICAL CONCLUSIONS: IN THE SCIENCE BLOGOSPHERE, MEN SIGNIFICANTLY OUTNUMBER WOMEN. IS THIS EVIDENCE OF DISCRIMINATION?


Could the disparity in numbers of bloggers be related to a difference in the underlying population of scientists? A recent report (PDF) by the Council of Graduate Schools (CGS) showed that in 2009, women received more PhDs than men in the U.S. But do those numbers hold for science PhDs as well?


While men do slightly outnumber women in science, math, and engineering PhDs, the disparity in numbers is much smaller than the disparity we see on the major blogging networks, including ResearchBlogging, where male bloggers outnumber female bloggers by over three to one in the same fields as the CGS report. 


Of course, even though women have nearly drawn equal with men in earning science PhDs, men still far outnumber women in tenured- and tenure-track positions. At MIT, for example, a 2006 report found no department with more than 30 percent women faculty, and just three of six with more than 20 percent women. Could this male dominance in the upper echelons of academe be discouraging women from blogging?
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