How to Really Listen

How to Really Listen

by Peter Bregman

"One morning, my wife Eleanor woke up, turned over, and said, "I am not looking forward to this day." I asked her why.

What came out is that we were at the start of the Jewish high holy day season, which means colder weather and three weeks of big social meals, long religious services, broken routines, and children out of school. Eleanor didn't grow up with these traditions, and they can be overwhelming.

Now, I run a management consulting company; problem solving is what I do. So it didn't take me long to jump in.

"Cold weather means ski season is about to start," I said. "You love skiing. And these holiday meals are fun and filled with people you love — they'll make you feel better. And I'll be with you; you won't be alone with the kids. Also, you know, Jesus was Jewish, so it's kind of your tradition too."

Even as I said it, I knew that last one was a reach. It became clear that I was making her feel worse and now she wasn't just sad, she was angry.

And when she got angry, I felt myself get angry too. And self-righteous. Here I am trying to help her and this is what I get?

But then I smartened up. Instead of giving in to my anger, which would have really blown things up, I shut up and listened. When I did, I began to hear the real stuff, the things that neither of us was actually saying.

What I discovered was that she was upset because the focus on mothers during the Jewish holidays taps into her insecurities about motherhood, not being a Jewish mom, and not having time to spend on her own work.

I also discovered that my own babbling wasn't so much to help her feel better as to help me feel better. I'm the reason she's in New York City, living through cold winters, and part of a Jewish family.

In other words, by trying to make her feel better, I was doing the opposite of making her feel better. I was arguing with her. In fact, most of the time when we try to make people feel better, we end up arguing with them because we're contradicting what they're feeling. Which, inevitably, makes them feel worse.

Listening, it turns out, is magic. Not only did it help me understand what was going on with both of us, but it helped Eleanor feel better, too. It made her feel that she wasn't alone in her feelings; I was with her.

All I had to do was listen.

But listening isn't easy. The more we listen to others, the more likely we will react — or overreact — to what they say. Listening, it turns out, is much harder than speaking. We have to allow things we might disagree with to hang in the air. We have to move over a little and create space for those things to linger.

That kind of listening takes tremendous courage.

But if we're interested in learning — about ourselves as well as others — then it's worth it. And if we're interested in being connected to others, showing them respect, helping them feel better, and solving problems between us, than it's more than worth it. It's essential.

Until people feel heard, they will fight to be heard. But once they are heard, there is little left to fight for, and then we can move on, not as "us vs. them" but simply as "us."

So how do you listen in a way that transforms conversations and relationships?

1. Actually listen. And only listen. That means don't multitask. I'm not just talking about doing email, surfing the web, or creating a grocery list. Thinking about what you're going to say next counts as multitasking. Simply focus on what the other person is saying.
2. Repeat back. This feels a little silly at first but works magic. If someone says she is angry about the decision you just made, you can say "you're angry about the decision I just made." I know, I know, she just said that. But it shows you're listening and it communicates to the other person that she's been heard. If you don't have the courage to try it with an adult, try it with a child. You'll see what a difference it makes and it will embolden you to try it with a colleague or your spouse.
3. Ask questions. Explore the other person's thoughts and feelings more deeply. And "You don't really believe that, do you?" does not count as a question. You are not using the Socratic method to prove your point; you are trying to better understand what's going on so you can better understand your partner in this conversation.

Really listening can feel risky, which seems strange because listening doesn't materially change anything. But sometimes you'll hear things that are hard to hear.

Remember that listening is not the same thing as agreeing. And it will never force you to take any particular action. If anything, it will reduce the intensity of people's insistence that you take a specific action. Because in many cases what they're looking for is proof that you've heard them. So if they feel you've really heard them, their need for action diminishes.

As Eleanor spoke, I noticed my own resistance to various things she was saying. There's no question that it's hard to really listen. But once I relaxed into it, I heard her in a much deeper way. That made her feel better. Call me co-dependent, but it made me feel better too.

It turns out that sometimes, just listening is problem-solving."

When women lose their hair...

Losing your hair? You can blame fall
By Nadine Bells

(Thinkstock)

With the wind, rain and dropping temperatures comes... hair loss?

A recent Swedish study found women tend to lose the most hair in autumn. It’s all part of a strand of hair’s lifecycle.

A human hair grows for about two to six years. Scientists have discovered that at any one time, about 90 per cent of our hair is growing, while the rest is in the telogen stage — a resting phase — for two to six months before falling out. That hair follicle rests for about three months, and then another strand grows.

It’s normal for women to lose up to 100 hairs a day.

Researchers found that in a study of 800 healthy women, the highest proportion of hair in the telogen stage was in July.  The stage ended — with hair shedding — in late October and beyond.

[See also: Are you eating right - for your hair?]

This autumn hair-loss pattern is likely evolutionary. We don’t need our hair to protect our scalps from the sun in the wintery months.

Hair is also a barometer for health.

'Hair cells are the second-fastest produced cells in the body after bone marrow, so hair is often the first thing to suffer from any bodily upset,' said Glenn Lyons, consultant trichologist at the Philip Kingsley clinic.

We don’t need our hair to survive — just ask Bruce Willis, who appears to be thriving nicely without it — so your body knows to prioritize other organs.

“If it’s a choice between your hair growing or keeping blood going to vital organs, the former will suffer,” Marie Claire reports.

“Hair is an incredibly sensitive barometer. It can even forewarn you when there are no other symptoms of illness,” said Dr. Hugh Rushton of the University of Portsmouth.

Hair loss outside of normal growth rhythms has been linked to a number of other factors, pointing to disruptions in health, medication use, nutritional deficiencies and crash dieting, stress, pregnancy and birth-control usage, thyroid conditions and infections.

So if a hairbrush with more rogue strands in it than usual is causing you to panic, talk to your doctor. Here’s a list of blood tests to request. No use stressing over hair loss — since stress might be partly to blame.

5 ingredients of a get-skinny supper

I’m crazy about fall foods. I love apples and squash and most of all I love... chili. I honestly could eat it every day. No exaggeration. In my book, EatingWell’s Zesty Wheat Berry-Black Bean Chili, with a green salad on the side, is not only a perfectly wholesome, yummy dinner—it’s an ideal get-skinny supper because it contains 5 ingredients that research shows help with weight loss. (Get a week of get-skinny supper ideas with our 7-Day Diet Meal Plan to Lose Weight.)

Here are the 5 key ingredients of my favorite get skinny supper.

Beans, beans... They’re good for your heart. They’re also good for keeping you feeling full and—according to recent research—blasting belly fat. The secret? Soluble fiber. Researchers at Wake Forest Medical Center reported that for every 10-gram increase in soluble fiber per day, visceral fat (the more dangerous kind deep in your belly, surrounding your organs) dropped by 3.7 percent over five years. (Other sources of soluble fiber include oats, barley, apples, okra, citrus.)
Recipes to Try: Zesty Wheat Berry-Black Bean Chili & More Bean-Packed Chili Recipes

Whole grains are also rich in fiber (soluble and insoluble!) so adding things like wheat berries or barley to your chili gives it even more staying power. Of course, if you’re like my husband and want to eat something besides chili once in a while, you could expand your whole-grain repertoire to include other whole-grain recipes for slimming soups, herb-studded pilafs, and more.

Chile pepper: Research suggests that capsaicin, the compound that gives fresh chiles, and spices including cayenne and chipotle, their kick can boost metabolic burn. In other words, you can torch more calories with spicy recipes (including chili)—so try a few new ones.

Salad greens: Starting with a salad may prevent you from overdoing high-calorie fare later. In fact, research out of Penn State shows that eating a first-course salad can reduce overall calorie intake at a meal by up to 12 percent. Check it: Starter salads and soups to keep you slim.

Vinegar: At our house, side salads are simple: mixed greens with some snap peas, cherry tomatoes and sliced black olives topped with a little olive oil and vinegar—another ingredient that may have weight-loss benefits. In one 2005 study published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association, including 1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar with a meal resulted in subjects eating 200 to 275 fewer calories through the day. “The acid in vinegar may inhibit the digestion of the starch, so the starch is rendered into something like fiber, which can’t be digested well,” says Carol Johnston, Ph.D., R.D., professor and chair of the department of nutrition at Arizona State University.

What's your go-to get-skinny supper when you're trying to shed some pounds?

By Nicci Micco

Nicci Micco is editor-at-large for EatingWell and co-author of EatingWell 500-Calorie Dinners. She has a master's degree in nutrition and food sciences, with a focus in weight management.

The secret to living happily every after?

More than 200 women in long-term relationships are interviewed to find out what they're secret is. 
What they all did

Is distance the key to a happy marriage?

(Thinkstock Photos)

Boredom.  It’s the leading deal-breaker in marriages, according to a recent survey of over 100 family and divorce lawyers.  Not to mention Brad Pitt. 

Married for 23 years, journalist Iris Krasnow has a personal antidote to the long-term marital rut that  creeps into relationships over time: separate summer vacations.

Once a year for about a decade, she’s spent a portion of her summer away from her husband. When her four sons were young, she’d work as a counselor at their camp in the Adirondacks while her husband, an architect and furniture maker, focused on his own projects back at their Annapolis, Maryland home. “I love nature so I just thrived up there and he’d get so much work done back home,” says Krasnow, an associate professor of communication at American University.

Related link: The one reason you should get married

After seven weeks away (with a visit in between) their marriage was usually stronger than ever. “When I’d come home, the grind of an ordinary marriage seemed extraordinary,” she says.

It’s one of the trade secrets she’s learned in her own marriage, and through interviewing over 200 women in long-term relationships, for her new book, "The Secret Lives of Wives". 

A little distance is key to growing "separately, together," as Krasnow calls it. "You can't live happily ever after in your marriage if you're not happy outside of it," she says. One major misconception in marriage, as Krasnow sees it, is believing your spouse is your only source of happiness. "No one person can make you happy, it has to come from within," says Krasnow. “When you live with someone day in and out the 'hot' doesn’t stay 'hot' unless you take time apart to discover yourself and what makes you happy independent of your partner.”

Related link: Canadian marriages on the decline

For Krasnow, that means a few spouse-less weeks away.  For some of the women she interviewed, it's come in the form of a girlfriends' getaway or a newfound hobby that forces a little separation between family life and personal identity. "All of the women I've interviewed with strong marriages have great girlfriends they can drink, travel, and vent with," she says with a snicker.  "The trick is having separateadventures and pursuits from your spouse, not separate lives."

She limits her time apart from her husband to three to four weeks maximum and she’s learned in her time  away to feel comfort in her husband’s absence. “It’s okay to miss someone you love,” she says. “It’s a very powerful aphrodisiac.”

Some couples take it one step further, dividing their time between two separate homes. In 2006, 3.8 million married couples were considered “living apart together.” Judith Newman and her husband of more than a decade, are one of them.  “Living apart has allowed us to stay married and remain in love,”Newman writes in Self Magazine. From the get-go they had different ideas about how to keep a home, how to  decorate, and how to live peacefully inside their shared space.  Their solution was to keep two separate apartments nearby, even after they had kids.  “We do find each other essential,” she writes. “It’s just that, like many couples, we find each other deeply annoying, too. The only difference with us is that sometimes we can breathe a deep sigh of relief at the end of the day and say: I love you, honey; now get the hell out of here!”

Related link: Three risks to take in your marriage

One reason a little distance goes a long way in a marriage: it fosters self-reliance. A study published in the journal Family Relations found that wives of men with fishing or trucking jobs that took them away from home for weeks at a time were more likely to take on male roles in the house. The ability to fix things in the home, and accomplish tasks they’d otherwise rely on their spouse for, bolstered confidence and diminished the "neediness" factor that festers in a long-term relationship.    

But not everyone believes co-dependence is a bad thing.  Dr. Paul Amato, author of  "Alone Together: How Marriage in America is Changing", found that couples are spending more time apart than ever. Over a period of 20 years, more spouses are vacationing, networking, and making friends outside of their family units.  He suggests that too much independence and self-reliance can make the idea of divorce more palatable.

A partner-free vacation is only a problem if your marriage is unstable,  says psychologist Ruth A. Peters,  PhD. “When the relationship is intact, occasional separate vacations can add a terrific dimension to your marriage,” Peters tells MSNBC. “But if trouble is already brewing between partners, a separate vacation may do more harm than good. Consider your true motivation for the vacation, the stability of your finances and relationship, ages of your children, and willingness to compromise.”

Related link: Is it your job to make your partner happy?

For Angela Neustatter, compromise saved her marriage. So did a little time apart under one roof. After a protracted marital rut characterized by frustration and bickering, she and her husband considered separating, until they came up with a plan. “Separate togetherness,” is how Neustatter described their deal in the Telegraph. Together the couple assigned themselves “private spaces in our home to retreat to,  allowing us to choose when we wanted to be together.” It did wonders.  “It was the best thing we could have done. We went back to behaving as we had much earlier in our relationship...And as we grew closer, we were able to talk about having felt we’d grown apart and the pleasure in growing together again. “

Sometimes a little distance, be it a few feet or few thousand miles, goes a long way.